Joan, who we interviewed earlier about being a minimalist, first decided she never wanted kids at age 14. 15 years later, she met Cedric Chew who, at age 12, had decided not to have children too. Now that they’ve been in a relationship for about 2 years and enjoy living with their fur-kids, we asked them why they made the choice not to have kids and what the outcome of that choice has been like.
“Even as a child I found other kids annoying.”Q: Hi Joan! Thank you for coming back to talk about a different topic today, and with your partner too! To start, could you tell us a little about yourselves? Who are you and how do you tick?
Joan: Hello. I am Joan, founder of Minimalism in Singapore, mummy to two cats and am in a managerial position in the private education industry.
Cedric: Hi, I’m Cedric, dad to one very spoiled cat and many, many guitars, and I’m a sales manager for a Pro Audio company.
You both identify as wanting to be child-free. Did you both decide on that together or was that what led you both to choosing each other?
Joan: It was pretty much a pre-requisite for me before we started to date, imho haha.
Cedric: Wanting kids is a deal breaker for me when it comes to getting into long term relationships
What are your individual reasons for wanting to be child-free? What makes you feel that way?
Joan: Being career driven and understanding the repercussions of being a parent to a child that needs almost a 30-year (or more!) commitment is too much of a balancing game to me. I like to plan for the future, and I would prefer to see myself in a relaxed state of mind when I am old and wrinkly.
Cedric: I’ve never liked children or the costs involved in their upkeep. Even as a child I found other kids annoying. Then over the years I realised how much money my parents spent raising me and I thought, “Man if I ever had that money I’m keeping it for myself!”
Why do you think you want to be child-free when many other people feel strongly for the exact opposite? Is it something about your personality, or past, or…?
Joan: Firstly, I hate to fail. To me, being a parent is daunting as managing a young one is not easy and you’d definitely be criticised no matter what you do. Secondly, being an educator, I think I have “parented” enough for a lifetime. I do enjoy watching my students flourish, but I don’t think I can come home to another batch of children and unwind at the same time.
Cedric: I’m an only child, and even during extended family gatherings I never liked playing with most of the other kids my age—I would either be reading or playing Gameboy by myself, or listening to the adults talk.
What’s the best part about being a child-free couple, and what’s the worst?
Joan: Best part: I get to spend my money on relationships, self-care, health care that many put off if they have kids due to financial allocation. I also have less stress should I face a period where I do not have income coming in. The worst would probably be having to face relationship challenges head-on without an external distraction (but it is something I’d prefer than avoid) and missing out on “family nucleus only” financial subsidies from the government.
Cedric: The best part is not having to reshape and plan our entire lives around a child, not just financially, but socially and emotionally. I really can’t think of a downside!
How have the people around you reacted to your decisions to be child-free and how have you dealt with their reactions beyond ignoring them?
Joan: Well, clearly it is not supported by the family. My mother tries to convince me that having a child is equivalent to adopting a puppy. I’d much rather adopt a puppy.
Cedric: My parents don’t really care. I think having seen how I turned out they probably secretly agree that it’s best I don’t breed.
The Singapore government is trying its best to encourage more Singaporean couples to have Singaporean babies. What do you have to say to them?
Joan: Economically speaking, having a growing birth rate would help the country on a macro scale. However, it comes with intangible responsibilities that are not well supported by the government. One area that comes to mind is definitely postpartum depression.
Cedric: No thank you, have you seen the cost of living lately?
What advice do you have for those intending to spend their lives child-free too?
Joan: Don’t get evangelical over it. It is a choice that is outside of the norm. However, do plan well for the future—especially when explaining your choice cordially or to even stave off loneliness when you get older. Personally, I have a bucket list that I consistently strive to check off in different phases of life. I think it’s a pretty fun thing to hone and helps you grow outside your comfort zone.
Cedric: Live the way you want, not how society tells you to. And invest in quality contraceptives or make skilful withdrawals.
Which 3 things or people are most important for those wanting to be child-free?
Joan: Your support system, your plan for the future, to be flexible to change.
Cedric: Your accountant, lawyer, and real estate agent. They’ll be invaluable in helping you spend and manage the money you’ll be saving by being child-free!
Which place is most useful?
Joan: …
Cedric: The place without any children.
Lastly, what if… just what if… you end up with a child anyway by the hand of fate?
Joan: Abortion is the first route we’ve agreed on. Firstly, it’s not as dangerous as it seems. Secondly, giving the child up for adoption may leave a child traumatised in future anyway.
Cedric: Yes, and the hand of fate will be given a firm slap on the wrist.
Joan plans to work on her career, work on her bucket list and improve relationships with friends and family in the next year. Cedric says he’ll be working on a Death Metal album for children about being child-free—“I’ve already booked a kindergarten to record in.” You can find out more about them on Joan’s website, minimalisminsingapore.wordpress.com.
Other interviews with Joan:
Why I Identify As A Minimalist
More interviews with those who’ve done what they weren’t taught to do here.
Photographs courtesy and copyright of Joan & Cedric Chew. Interviewer: Sy
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When I was young, I went for “zero population growth:” two adults –> two children, for environmental reasons. If everyone had done so at the time and since, our world would be far closer to long term survival.
However, because of the population explosion, if I was young now I’d choose to be childfree, for two reasons:
1. I don’t want to add to a terrible problem. There is not just a limited amount of resources like fresh water and topsoil, but the life support system of our planet is shrinking.
2. The times coming will be even more horrific. I consider it a crime to bring a lovely young person into the future I predict. The present is bad enough!
Makes sense, Bob. Maybe in some ways the best thing you can do for the children you love is to save them entirely from the horrors of being alive in the first place?
Hi Luck It! Thank you for featuring us. This article was mentioned in this post: https://minimalisminsingapore.wordpress.com/2020/12/27/a-look-back-on-2020/
Thanks, Joan! We were extremely excited to have interviewed you too 🙂
Me and my fiancé in the US don’t have children and don’t have plans to. When my parents were 5 years younger than us they had already bought their first house. It’s not been like that for our generation. I can’t imagine how we’d afford a child. Also, I can’t imagine having the emotional resources for one with the work I do. I bet it bothers my dad but he knows better than to bug me about it. My mom seems to think I’ll change my mind. Maybe I would, but I don’t think my fiancé would, and I certainly have no motivation for it as of now.
You are not alone in feeling that way, Hannah. The world is definitely a different place for parents now. And it is definitely so much better to be self-aware and hesitant than to have a child “just because” only to regret (or worse, resent) it later when the going gets tough. For the child most of all.