What It’s Like Losing A Father Before Age 20

When Cho Jun Ming was 19, his 54-year-old father was diagnosed with heart issues. Because his father was a kidney dialysis patient and could not undergo operations, he was sent to the ICU where he passed on just 2 months later. We asked Jun Ming how he coped with losing his dad before age 20, and learned from him all the things he wished he had done with his father when he had the chance. 

Q: Hi Jun Ming, welcome back and thank you for sharing yet another part of your story. How did you find out your dad had passed away? What were you doing right before that and what did you do right after that?

A: At first, I received a call from my dad saying that he needs to go to the hospital but I was playing Xbox at my Poly [Polytechnic—an alternative to university in Singapore] friend’s house and didn’t bother. That was in the afternoon. That night, after my dad admitted himself into the hospital, I received a call from the doctors asking me to go to the hospital because he was like a time-bomb that could pass on at any time due to his heart condition. Immediately after that, I went straight to the hospital and from then on, accompanied my dad every day for 1-2 months before he passed on.

The day he passed, I was actually studying before going to visit my dad. And when I did I spoke with him, but when I went home I received a call from the hospital saying to rush down so I rushed down and saw that the machines were starting to beep slowly and he passed away in front of me. 

What did it feel like when you first heard the news? What about at the funeral and in the days after?

I hated everything that existed. And I blamed everything and everyone—the doctors, God, everything except for myself. After the funeral, I fell into a severe depression and had to seek psychiatrists and psychologists. 

How long did it take you to get over the grief of losing your dad? What helped most? 

It’s been 4 years. I’m now still undergoing treatment with psychiatrists and psychologists because I was told that some of the memories and the trauma that I had when I saw how my dad had passed on are being blocked in my mind. I can’t get over the grief even now though it’s been better with time. What helped most is making films because as long as I keep making films, I won’t think about it.  

Which place in Singapore helped the most? 

Changi Airport. Sometimes when I feel lonely I’ll go to the airport and sit down and watch the planes fly, and watch families hugging each other and watch how people cry, smile and laugh with tears of joy. It brings me warm feelings. 

How did your life change after your dad’s death? And how did your dad’s death change you? 

I became less energetic and more negative and more paranoid about life. And soon I got much support from my friends and eventually turned to be better. Right now, I’m still recovering. My dad’s death gave me a wake up call. It boosts me and motivate me to do something better but of course I would rather he be alive. 

If you could go back and replay the time you had with your dad all over again, what would you do differently?

I would eat dinner with him every day. I would talk to him and update him about what I’m doing. And also I would try to understand him and try to learn from his mentality as a person because he’s very mature, very calm and very patient—and that’s what I need. I would like to ask him to teach me things that I do not know and give me advice.

What is it like being a young man without a father? 

I think it’s very sad because sometimes I see my friends going back home and see their fathers and mother together and I feel that I just lost part of myself. 

Which 3 objects/people can you presently not live without and why?

My phone. My mother. And my relatives. Because they are all my closest people and objects right now and I know I have the time to cherish them so I will not waste any moment. 

What do you wish your father had done more of while he was still alive?

I wish he would have told me things he would have wanted because whenever I made mistakes he would just let me fall down by myself and never really scold me or beat me up because he wanted me to learn by myself. But because I was young, I didn’t know what he was trying to do until I grew up and reflected and realised… oh, I see. So I wish he would have scolded me and beat me. 

What advice do you have for those who have only just lost their fathers?

There will always be people who are worse off than you. I have a friend who doesn’t have family. I have even friends who have parents but both are mute. So think about those in a very bad situation and try to know that you’re not always alone. And that you have the ability to bring joy to people and to yourself. 

Lastly, what is the biggest lesson your dad ever taught you? 

He taught me to be calm at all times. No matter if the sky is falling down, just remain calm. When you’re calm you’re able to see perspectives and things not many people can see.

Jun Ming presently makes films about societal issues and gives talks to people who are facing set backs in their lives. “It’s all about creating a positive impact on people in whatever ways I can through using both my backstory and my passion.” You can find out more about his films at his Facebook page or ask him about grief and recovery using the comment box below. 

Other interviews with Cho Jun Ming:
How I Got Back Up After Failing The N-Levels
What It’s Like Being Older Than 20

More interviews with people who have been through grief or other physical or mental hardships. available here.

Photographs courtesy and copyright of Cho Jun Ming. Interviewer: Sy
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