What It’s Like Living With Schizophrenia

21 years ago, Oliver Chong, a theatre professional we interviewed earlier this year, developed the symptoms of schizophrenia. He began having symptoms once every 3-4 days, then once a month, once every 3-4 months, once every year, till finally years would go by before he developed further symptoms. We had a chat with him about his journey with schizophrenia. 

Q: Hi Oliver, thank you for returning to share another side of yourself with us. Let’s talk about schizophrenia this time. When did you first realise you had it and what were the symptoms?  

When I was nine. I didn’t know that it was schizophrenia until I was twenty-two.

It felt like someone had suddenly put a fish bowl over my head. The surrounding sounds suddenly became distant, like how you would hear them from inside a fish bowl, except that the sounds are now at half speed. Not only so, as far as my eyes could see, everything that moved also appeared to move at half speed. So everything that I could see and hear was in slow motion. On top of all these, there was a perpetual noise in the more distant background. It sounded like it might have come from a kitchen with many people holding unintelligible conversations with one another, over the noises of pots and pans.

In the beginning, I was very afraid and confused. I waved my hand in front of my face with all my might to make sure that it was really moving fast, but all I saw, was my hand waving in slow motion. When I talked, I heard myself speaking in a dragged-out fashion, but I really wasn’t. I told my mother about it and she was as clueless. She said perhaps I was just too tired and told me to go take a nap. Indeed, a nap always worked. The next morning I would be back to normal, until the next time it was triggered.

After a while, I decided that I should confront it instead of sleeping it out. I decided that I had to observe and study it in order to overcome it. I had to behave and look normal when it comes so that nobody could tell. I had to figure out the trigger. But first, I had to overcome my fear of it.

When it’s triggered, people would tell me that I was moving and speaking “too fast”. And I realised that I had inadvertently moved and talked faster than usual because everything appeared slow. I had to manage and adjust the speed of my movement and speech, and not be misled by my warped perception of time. 

I studied the pattern, duration, frequency and circumstances under which it would be triggered. And then, I would experiment with putting myself under different circumstances, to find one that might be able to stop it. But as soon as I figured all these out, they would all change. And I would have to repeat the whole process over and over, like it was playing catch with me. However, the duration and frequency of the “visits” had decreased steadily over the years.

Over the years, I have long overcome my fear of it. And the process of investigating it has become a welcomed distraction from the mundane. Like a game with a friend of many years. The frequency of occurrence and duration has decreased so much and I would miss it and feel delighted when it “visits”. I wouldn’t want to do anything to make it go away because it would only “stay” very briefly. I would even feel a tinge of sadness when it “leaves” because I wouldn’t know when I would see this “friend” again. The last time it visited was at least four years ago, when I was in my late thirties. 

It was only through consultation with a psychiatrist when I was twenty-two that I got to know its name.

How did it feel to be diagnosed with schizophrenia? How old were you then and how did you think it would affect the rest of your life?

Surprised. I only got to know that it was schizophrenia when I was twenty-two, after living with it for thirteen years. I had long gotten used to it by then and had managed it so well that nobody ever knew and it didn’t bother me at all. I felt very very lucky that I’ve had it easy, knowing that many people suffered and struggled with it. I did not think it would affect the rest of my life as I was confident I could manage and cope with it. 

Were your first presumptions right? Is living with schizophrenia what you thought it would be? 

I was right. I have been coping well so far. Though the symptoms are no longer a cause for worry, I do experience bouts of depression occasionally, a possible spin-off from the condition, which I have to fight and fend off. 

Can you describe the last time you had a schizophrenic episode? What was that like, what triggered it, and how long ago was it? 

It was at least four years ago. Please refer to the symptoms in the above response (fish bowl auditory, warped auditory and visual perception of time; and “voices”). 

At the very beginning, the trigger was always stress and anxiety, and under the condition when I was alone in a quiet place. The remedy was to go to somewhere noisy with people and the duration of the episode would be shortened. 

Once I figured out this pattern, it evolved. And the condition became that when I was with many people in a very noisy environment. The remedy was to go to somewhere quiet and be alone.

And then, the condition rule stopped applying. The remaining constant was still stress and anxiety. The remedy was to ignore it and focus on what I was doing. I wasn’t bothered by it because I could function as normal and I could be doing a presentation in a meeting with people and nobody could tell.

And finally, no rules. Not even stress. I could be on a holiday trip in the mountains when it happened. By then, the frequency of the symptoms was like once a year, and I was more than happy to welcome this “friend” of many years. I would enjoy its company and feel nostalgic when it leaves too soon. 

What about your worst schizophrenic episode? What was that like?

The worst was at the very beginning when I was very afraid and confused with what I was hearing and seeing that was obviously different from everybody else’s. The harder I fought it, the worse it got, and I could hear my heart thumping very loudly in my head and it felt like my brain was going to explode. All I could do was to force myself to fall asleep and it would be gone when I woke up. 

How has your schizophrenia been managed since your diagnosis? What medications or treatments have you had to cope with it?  

The way I had been managing it years before the diagnosis. No medications or treatment. Though the psychiatrist I consulted with when I was twenty-two did prescribe me something, I didn’t follow [the prescription] because I had been coping fine all those years without any. 

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Has the diagnosis of schizophrenia affected your relationships with other people in any way? At work, at home, or romantically?

No. Very few people even know about it until I told them. 

What about physically? Is there anything you cannot do now because of schizophrenia, or anything you must do to avoid further symptoms of schizophrenia? 

No. 

You are a creative person by profession. Has there been any positives to having schizophrenia in that regard? 

I wouldn’t know as I grew up with it. Perhaps the positives of experiencing something more than people without it? I realise, perhaps the years of dealing with the symptoms have made me very sensitive to space and time and others’ perception of it. This sensitivity is especially useful in my work as a director, actor and designer. 

Which 3 items or people help you most with your schizophrenia? Why?

I can only think of one, and that would be how my dad had brought me up. He had always said that we should confront our fears, that we should always strive to choose fight over flight from our weaknesses, and there is more than one way to fight them than with just brutal force. 

Which place in Singapore helps the most? Why? 

Then, it changed according to the evolving trigger conditions. For noisy places, Orchard Road or hawker centre. For quiet places, library or the store room at home. 

What advice do you have for those who have only been diagnosed with schizophrenia? 

I wouldn’t dare. Not from someone like me who had it easy. Perhaps my dad’s advice might work for some people, but please listen to your doctor. 

What advice do you have for those without schizophrenia, when interacting with those with schizophrenia?  

Do not confuse sympathy for empathy. People with schizophrenia don’t need your sympathy. 

What have you learned from having schizophrenia that you didn’t know before? 

The fragility and reliability of reality. 

Lastly, looking back to your childhood or younger days, were there any indications you might one day grow up to have schizophrenia?

I had it when I was nine. I did not see it coming at all. Not that I knew anything about schizophrenia then anyway. 

Oliver will be striving to foster more collaborations with local and international artists over the next year. He hopes that his works and practice will continue to be desirable to his audience and relevant to the times. You can follow his work at his Facebook page or ask him more about schizophrenia using the comment box below. 

Other interviews with Oliver Chong:
How I Became An Award-winning Theatre Director, Playwright, Actor and Designer

More interviews with people who have been through grief or other physical or mental hardships. available here.

Photographs courtesy and copyright of Oliver Chong. Interviewer: Sy
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