When pondering her own funeral wake at age 45, Daphne Chua realised she would have less than two handfuls of people in attendance. Ten years on however, she had 50 people turning up for her 55th birthday party. She tells LUCK-IT how and why she increased the number of friends in her life so significantly in a single decade.
“A pastor mentioned that a person would have about a hundred friends at his/her funeral wake. I pondered and realised I wouldn’t even have 10 friends at mine.”
Q: When did you suddenly realise you had very few friends? What made you suddenly feel that way? And why did you decide to do something about it?
A: During one Sunday service, a pastor mentioned that a person would have about a hundred friends at his/her funeral wake. I pondered and realised I wouldn’t even have 10 friends at mine. I started to imagine my lonesome and quiet funeral wake…
How did you start making friends again? What did you do and how did it feel for you to have to do it?
I started to take an interest in people I came into contact with. Previously, I treated everyone as an acquaintance and did not see the need to keep a long friendship. In my mind, people come and go and I did not make any effort to keep in contact with anyone.
How long did it take for you to go from having less than ten friends who would show up for you to having 50 friends who would do just that? Did you have any setbacks or wins along the way?
It is now a good ten years from then. There wasn’t any setback. I took a genuine interest in people without any expectations.
What do you think is the most significant course of action you took that enabled you to make more friends? Why did it work?
Making time for others. Being pro-active to telephone or WhatsApp others to stay in touch. It was my attitude that made the difference. Previously, I could not be bothered and friendship did not have a place in my heart.
What was your routine like in the months/weeks/days during which you were rebuilding your pool of friends?
There isn’t a fixed routine. I started to engage others in coffee sessions and meals.
Now that you have more friends, what is your current routine like?
I still engage others in coffee sessions and meals and even organise baking sessions in my home once a month.
How do you presently spend your weekends?
Weekends are mainly spent with family. Sunday is church and coffee time with church members.
What advice do you have for someone who is hoping to start having more friends too?
To accept others for what they are, not be judgemental and have a genuine interest in their well-being.
Can you map out a recommend path for people who want to have more friends to follow?
List out your friends and schedule regular contacts either by just texting or meeting up.
What are the key things/people/situations that enabled you to have many friends again, in your opinion? Who/What do you believe you never would have been able to make many new friends without?
I used to believe no one is genuinely interested in me and I do not trust people enough to want to share my life and my experiences. Being genuine and willing to share encourages more open sharing.
How did having more friends again change you as a person? Or did it not change you?
Widened my perspective of things. Helped me to be more accepting of others and also to be generous towards others in terms of time/resources.
“I have lost many good friends by not staying in touch.”If you could go back and replay the way you dealt with friendships throughout your life, what would you do differently?
I would have done what I’ve been doing in the last ten years: keeping in touch with people who mattered. I have lost many good friends by not staying in touch.
What were you like as a child? What about as a teenager and young adult? How did you change at every decade? Or did you not change?
Outwardly extroverted, inwardly introverted child, teenager and young adult. The drastic change was after I attended church and found genuine friendships amongst church friends. I started to trust people and love the people around me.
Which major event in your life has made you who you are, in your opinion? Why do you think so?
It was church and the realisation of who I am on this earth and my purpose here.
Which 3 objects/people in your life can you presently not live without and why?
My family. My friends. My church community.
Of all the objects you bought when trying to make more friends, which object enabled you to make the most new friends?
Meals and coffee.
What is the worst advice you’ve been given, or have heard people giving, with regards to friendships? And what’s the best?
None… I did not seek advice nor have I attempted to give anyone any advice.
Daphne is presently a realtor and open to answering questions about friendships. If you have a question about friendship for her, drop them in the comment box below.
Other Answers by Daphne Chua:
What I Learned From Doing Prison Ministry, And Why I Do It
Photographs courtesy and copyright of Daphne Chua. Interviewer: Sy
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What is the point of having many friends?
Why not have fewer but more intimate relationships?
Hi ST, I have notified Daphne of your comment and will wait for her to reply. My opinion though, is that everybody is wired differently, with different needs at different points in their lives, and different ways of making meaning for themselves. Some people, usually introverts, enjoy deep, intense one-on-one engagements and don’t see the point in wasting energy on superficial talk. Others, usually extroverts, get energised from being in crowds and feel more relaxed after conversing continually for hours, doesn’t matter what about. It all boils down to personal preference. Since she’s a realtor who enjoys doing prison ministry in her free time, I would think, for her in particular, there would be more than just physical benefits to having a big network of friends too. -Sy 🙂
Here’s Daphne’s response, ST:
“Different people bring with them vast experiences which broadens my outlook in life. I find it so enriching learning how others cope with life’s challenges. There is so much to glean and learn. One cannot have too many friends. Not all are close friends but I know when I need help, there is a whole spectrum of people with different gifts and skills and experiences I can call upon.
I used to have a small pool of friends and I see the difference of having many different friends you know you can call upon when you need help. My circle of friends are those I know who are people who are genuine. I can call one to help with my car servicing, another to hear my concerns and worries, others whom I can meet and just pour out my heart, some to travel with and yet others to just have a meal or exercise with. It is definitely a better world with friends whom you can love and in turn be loved by.”
-Daphne Chua