How I Coped With Losing A Son To Suicide, And What I Learned From It

At 51 years of age, Yen-Lu Chow was an entrepreneur and an angel investor… then he lost his son to suicide. Now 61 and on an ongoing journey to heal himself and the world, this social innovator, philanthropist, advisor, mentor, and seeker of Truth shares with LUCK-IT memories of his son, Lawrance, and all the lessons he’s gleaned from grief, suffering, re-calibrating and recovery.

Q: Hi Yen-Lu, thank you for agreeing to share your story with us. How did you find out your son had passed away? What were you doing right before that and what did you do right after that?

A: We got a call from Murdoch University in Perth, Australia where our son was attending school—from the Director of International Student Affairs. It was late in the evening—almost 10:30pm. My wife and I had just returned home from tennis (we used to play a lot of tennis together as a family).

How did you feel when you first heard the news? What about at the funeral and in the days after that?

It was a parent’s worst nightmare. After receiving the call from school, and having to take the overnight flight from Singapore to Perth, Australia, it was the longest flight ever. It felt like eternity. We were hoping somehow that the police, the school, God, had made a mistake—hoping that it wasn’t him. We had to go to the police coroner’s office to identify him. We came face to face with our dreaded fate. Our hearts were broken into a million pieces.

The days and weeks and months after were the most difficult times of our lives. We were thrown into the deepest and darkest abyss—worse than hell. We were in purgatory.

You’ve said in other interviews that the days after your son’s death was the darkest time for both you and your wife—can you share how long those dark days lasted? How long did it take you, after his death, to be able to see the littlest bit of light again?

The first 6 months to a year was very, very tough.

What was the turning point/life-changing course of action that helped you see that little bit of light again, you think?

Fairly early on, we realised that perhaps we are not alone—that he was not alone—that there are likely many other young people who have suffered or are suffering from depression or other forms of mental health issues. And we wanted to do something about it. This was that first glimmer of light—it provided a path to move us forward. So rather than focusing on our own grief, pain, sorrow, and suffering, we decided that we would instead try to focus on others’ pain and suffering—and to alleviate their suffering. This was the beginning of our transformation. And this was what our son would have wanted.

What was your routine like during those darkest days?

I had a tough time getting out of the house. I didn’t shave for months. I was wearing my son’s shirts a lot during that time. I still do to some extent.

I also spent a lot of time trying to remember him—all the good things about him and the good times we had as a family, writing a tribute to him with scenic pictures of the family traveling together, a memorial video, etc, also seeking help from friends and healers.

What about now? What is your present routine like?

I spend most of my time these days working on my family foundation—I’ve founded/co-founded a number of nonprofit social initiatives (Akaraka, Over-The-Rainbow, Singapore Creations, YSI SEA, Asia Institute of Mentoring, Made of Brilliance, etc) to help other kids, young people and their families.

How do you presently spend your weekends?

I do a lot of reading and spending time with friends. We also hold a lot of our workshops, talks and events on weekends—to bring more well-being and hope to others.

What advice do you have for parents who’ve only just lost their child to suicide?

We came across many and have supported many parents on this journey of grieving and recovery.

They need emotional and social support and we try to be there for them. Letting them know that it’s going to be a long journey back—to take time to grieve—also letting them know that things will get better, that the sun will rise again—but will take time—that they need to take care of themselves and the rest of the family first. More importantly, to know that their child will always be with them. We carry our son in our heart.

Can you map out a recommended path to coping for parents who’ve only just lost a child to suicide to follow?

What was crucial for our coping and recovery: Rather than heaping blame on ourselves and on each other—to ponder what should have been and what might have been—how we could have done things differently—regrets—which were easy to do during those dark times—and which would have brought us to an even darker place—we decided to support each other—and to focus our attention to help others. This was key for us to begin the healing process.

It’s also been an ongoing journey to search for new meaning and purpose in life. These days it is manifested largely through the work of our family foundation and many other social initiatives I get involved in—to discover our true self—to connect to our Higher Self—and to find our common humanity.

What key things/people/situations enabled you to get through losing a child to suicide, in your opinion?

Unconditional support of friends and family is crucial. Also see above.

How did seeing all that your son went through and losing him at the end of it all change you as a person? Or did it not change you? Why?

Life is precious—yet fragile. Life is short. We have to be grateful for all the gifts that we’ve been given in life.

If you could go back and replay the time you had with your son all over again, what would you do differently?

I think I would tell him I love him a lot more often.

What was your son like as a child? What about as a teenager and later a young adult? How did he change at every decade? Or did he not change?

When our son was alive (he was ill at the time), he once told us: “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could make a difference in someone’s life?”

His life, his passing, his legacy became our inspiration, and the genesis for our family foundation and Over-The-Rainbow.

He was a shy but a great kid—and as perfect a son as any parent could wish for. He has the most wonderful hobbies, and the most kind and gentle personality.

He was an avid reader starting at a young age; he loved being read to as a young child, especially at bedtime. He loved animals as well. Lawrance was born with music in his veins: he started piano lessons at a tender age of 5 ½ years, and after years of practice—became quite a proficient pianist; he sang in a children’s choir that performed in public during Christmas holidays; as a pre-teen he picked up clarinet, and thru his interest and dedication, he was selected and performed as the first-chair clarinet for the school concert band, at the Singapore American School; in later years, he taught himself acoustic guitar, and was able to play some pops and other selected tunes. He owned two iPods and an iPod Shuffle, and literally took his music with him everywhere. He also loves sharing music with others, and with his guitar.

He also got into sports at a young age: he started learning baseball when he was 4 or 5 years, playing catch with Dad. He grew up with baseball, playing T-ball later on in the little league. He also played basketball, with dad initially, and then participated in the youth basketball leagues. He enjoyed playing American football with Dad. Later on as a teenager, he caught on to tennis and went on to play for the varsity team at SAS, varsity team at Fordham University, and was on the Murdoch University tennis team that won the gold medal at the 2009 Pan-Australia Uni-Game competition. And due to Mom’s strong influence and passion for yoga, he picked up yoga in the last couple of years. He started practicing yoga quite regularly.

Which event in your son’s life set in motion his struggle with depression, you think? Or was that brought about by more than just a single event?

It’s both nature and nurture. I don’t talk about this much—but my Mom had severe depression when she was raising us. It’s just in those days, no one talked about it. She had to live with it her entire life. I also experienced depression as a young man that went well into adulthood.

The stress of growing as a teenager and later academic stress were other triggers.

Which 3 objects/people could you not live without right after losing your son? Why?

Not sure how to answer this question. I look at life very differently these days. Nothing’s permanent—everything’s temporary—life is change.

Of all the objects you bought/received when trying to cope with losing your son, which was the most useful? Why?

I rely on my music a lot. I always have.

What is the worst advice you’ve been given, or have heard people giving, with regards to coping with the loss of a child? And what’s the best?

They think you should “get over it”—but no one ever “gets over” the loss of a child. Late Elizabeth Edwards, an American attorney and health care activist shared so beautifully :

” If you know someone who has lost a child and you are afraid to mention them because you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them.

They didn’t forget they died.

What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.“

Yen-Lu now spends most of his days working on several social initiatives (Over-The-Rainbow, Singapore Creations, Young Sustainable Impact SEA, Asia Institute of Mentoring, Made of Brilliance, Climate Conversations, etc) to benefit society. You can find him online in a lot of places (“I’m very active in the social space and also in tech circles.”) or drop him a question using the comment box below.

Photographs courtesy and copyright of Yen-Lu Chow. Interviewer: Sy
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