When 49, after having spent two decades working as a polytechnic lecturer, private school teacher, civil servant and freelancer, Kelvin Seah dropped his career to embark on a whole new occupation—that of being a full-time stay-at-home dad. He tells us the realities of being a SAHD in his prime years and shares his reasons for doing so.

“Be prepared for it to be a lonely journey.”

Q: Hi Kelvin! Can you introduce yourself—share where you’re from and why you wanted to be a stay-at-home dad?

A: My name is Kelvin Seah. I’m 49 this year and my varied career spanning over 2 decades included stints in the public, private and voluntary sectors. I was formerly a public servant for over 5 years, and thereafter an educator for some 15 years. The first three of those 15 years were spent teaching English in Vietnam as a volunteer, and in a local private school in Singapore thereafter. The last 12 of those 15 years were spent as a local polytechnic lecturer in the areas of tourism/hospitality as well as media management and communications skills.

I left formal employment in May this year to spend time at home with my two sons who are 10 and 8 years old. My youngest (Caleb) has moderate autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and global developmental delay (GDD). The move to leave full-time employment was done mainly with him in mind, given his condition and the interventions needed to help him develop in his learning and growth.

How does Singapore perceive men who stay home and make childcare their primary occupation? What were you taught to think of it as a child, and how did you feel about it then?

Like many parts of the world throughout history, the culture here in Singapore, in my humble opinion, typically regards the man as head of the household and the one to provide financially for the family. So to not be employed, and thus not bring home a paycheck, is probably frowned upon in most families and by broader society.

When I was young, I saw evidence all around me of fathers being absent from home, including from my own family. My father would be out most of the day to work, and only be back late for dinner. With that kind of modelling, it wasn’t hard for me to internalise this perception of the always-out-and-working role of men and fathers in society as the norm.

I would have to say that I feel very much the absence of a constant father figure in my life growing up. I’ve had to figure many things out on my own, and though many may think that doing so builds up one’s independence, it also unfortunately does little to build up a healthy self-esteem and emotional well-being. I’ve struggled for years in these two areas and have often wished I had a closer and more emotionally-connected relationship with my father (he passed away 5 years ago).

How then did you manage to become a stay-at-home dad? Can you share your entire process and also how you figured that process out?

Towards the end of 2017 when his diagnosis was confirmed, I realised that we needed as a family to step up in more tangible ways to intervene and help Caleb overcome the major challenges he will face growing up with special needs.

It was clear that at least one parent needed to be at home more in order to help him. As my wife had taken no-pay leave and half-time work for much of his initial years, it was decided that this time, it would be my turn to step up to the plate and take time off.

At the start of 2018, we decided to let Caleb repeat his K2 [Kindergarten Year 2] year so as to give us more time to work with him in hopes he might be readier to enter mainstream P1 [Primary 1] education in 2019, being a year older than his peers by then (and hopefully a year ‘wiser’ too!).

Concurrently, I applied for a year-long sabbatical from my work at the polytechnic to focus on staying home with Caleb. Freelance work came my way soon after though, so eventually it became more tenable for me to resign, and focus on that instead as it gave me locational mobility to work from home.

By mid 2018, it was clear that Caleb might not be ready for the rigours of a mainstream primary education so we decided to apply to Pathlight School, which offers places to students with autism to take the MOE [Ministry of Education] primary school curriculum, but in a manner and pace more suited to their unique learning challenges.

By May 2019, my freelance work had become way too consuming at the expense of meaningful time with Caleb, and I decided to quit that and focus fully on him. For me, the dawning realisation that my son only has the next 10 years of his life (before he hits 18) left to ‘catch-up’ in terms of his learning and behaviour before he ‘joins’ society as a grown-up made the decision a no-brainer, though it did come at quite a cost to me career-wise and financially.

What is the routine of a stay-at-home dad? What do you do on weekdays and what do you do on weekends?

Typically on weekdays, I would send Caleb to school by 7.30am; the journey can take anything between 30 and 45 minutes, depending on traffic. Thereafter I’ll spend the rest of the morning running errands, or exercising, or blogging, or reading/researching more about autism and other areas of personal interests. Sometimes I’ll catch up with friends for a cuppa.

By noon, I’ll be setting off back to his school to fetch Caleb home. The afternoons are spent looking after him and his brother to make sure they complete their homework, with time in the late afternoons and early evenings for some outdoor play time before dinner. Afternoons are also spent helping Caleb improve in areas like fine and gross motor skills, and speech skills, via activities like reading, art therapy and body movement exercises.

Weekends are spent helping with more homework but also with time to take the family out for walks, visits, shopping and stuff most families here do on weekends.

Which 3 objects or people are most helpful for you as a stay-at-home dad?

I would have to say my spouse, my elder son (who’s neuro-typical) and my helper are the 3 most helpful people for me.

Which place in Singapore is most useful?

When it comes to family-friendly places to go, Singapore has no lack. Our family enjoys visiting the public libraries and museums. We also enjoy the parks and playgrounds that are scattered throughout the island.

But when it comes to places where stay-home dads like me can get some quiet downtime to reflect and recharge, I’ve found Bishan Stadium to be quite a nice and shady spot on weekday mornings. For me, finding a quiet and cool place outside of home is an important fixture in my weekly routine. Without it, it’s pretty easy to unravel and lose my sanity in the midst of all the responsibilities that come with taking care of my kids.

What were the biggest obstacles you faced when trying to be a stay-at-home dad, or during your time as a stay-at-home dad, and how did you overcome them?

Loss of status and income stream. Explaining my choice to those without direct and regular contact with special needs children. Shrinking of social circle and common topics of discussion. Occasionally coping with a sense of loss as to my purpose in life.

To cope, I’ve to intentionally carve out time each week to step away from home and get outdoors or do something I enjoy. I also seek out conversation and companionship with friends who have time to meet and listen.

Now that you’ve done it, would you recommend more fathers in Singapore stay home to focus on raising their children?

Perhaps rather than answering directly as to whether I do or don’t recommend, I would instead suggest that people really prioritise family above work in earnestness and not just pay lip service to the idea just because it sounds like the ‘politically right’ thing to say.

I totally understand that every family’s situation is unique and I don’t believe there is a one-size-fits-all solution, nor do issues/solutions stay static. As such, I wouldn’t outrightly say that other fathers should do what I do. Adaptability is key in the process of deciding what’s best for one’s family because decisions made today may need to change tomorrow depending on circumstances. But as with any decision, one must be prepared for the accompanying outcomes that the decision entails. It helps if you can find others who’ve already made similar decisions to understand what these outcomes might be.

What have you learned from having been a stay-at-home dad that you didn’t know before? How have you changed as a person since?

It’s often a lonely journey. This might well be the reason why many ‘wisely’ choose not to be stay-at-home dads.

That the money can run out faster than you can imagine if you don’t quickly curtail your expenses and watch your family finances more closely.

I’ve become more grateful for the little things, and mindful that simple contentment in the little insignificant moments of the everyday is a virtue worth pursuing, one that goes against the glitzy conventional wisdom out there that says you should ‘pack more into your daily schedule’ to prove your worth and showcase your achievements. I don’t need to justify my life to anyone but the Almighty and my family.

What advice do you have for other men who want to become stay-at-home dads too?

Be prepared for it to be a lonely journey.

Be prepared that others (even loved ones) won’t understand and will envy you for what they perceive to be more free time than they have. Or worse, they may deride or mock you directly or indirectly for ‘lamenting/complaining’ about how all-consuming your stay-at-home role can be (even though it really is, and you do need to let off some steam at times in order to de-stress), compared to the role of full-time employed parents!

Accept the reality that no full-time employed person will ever truly believe that you (a stay-home-dad) are as busy as they are, even if you were to show them how busy your daily schedule can be. This is the inherent unspoken bias society imposes on stay-home parents everywhere, so be prepared!

Be disciplined and make sure you spend your time meaningfully, always staying focused on why you chose this path.

Be sure to set aside time regularly to do things for yourself too (with AND without your spouse, but definitely WITHOUT the kids!). Do things that you enjoy and that will keep you sane, be it going to the movies on your own or enjoying a slow cup of latte at your favourite coffee shop and watching the world whisk by.

What’s the worst advice you’ve been given, or have heard people giving, with regards to being a stay-at-home dad? And what’s the best?

None comes to mind—worst or best.

What other bold things would you try to do next and who can LUCK-IT interview to give you some tips on how you can achieve those?

Again, none comes to mind.

Lastly, what will you be teaching your kids about gender roles in relationships?

That each gender has a role he/she is most suited to play.

That the world will impose its ever-shifting standards of gender norms on us, but it is far wiser to base our standards on a higher and more values-centred level, one that recognises the uniqueness of each gender, and the role he/she was designed to play from time immemorial.

Kelvin is presently still a stay-at-home dad who might possibly teach part-time should opportunities arise. You may follow his adventures as a stay-at-home dad raising a child with autism via his blog, kelvinsmusings.home.blog, or share with him your own experience with being a stay-at-home parent here using the comment box below.

Photographs courtesy and copyright of Kelvin Seah. Interviewer: Sy
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